Muddling through

April 17, 2012

This is the place I come when I want to speak in silence. I think of it as a place to toss notes in bottles in the ocean. I don’t believe anyone is reading and yet knowing that someone could is comforting. I don’t like to let go. I don’t want things to change. I want love to be enough.

 

 

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Why don’t you just quit?

October 26, 2011

If I quit now, it will be because I can’t face the deepest parts of myself. Which seems like the dumbest reason to walk away from love.

April showers

April 22, 2011

Tofu in my stomach and betrayal on the brain. Told my girlfriend the story of Christ’s sacrifice for us last night over Indian food. And in the moment of describing the pain he felt in the garden of Gesthemane I almost wept into my sweet potato masala. Thinking about the humanity of someone who challenged the system and was then abandoned by everyone in the moment of his greatest need – even god- was overwhelming. It’s a story we all understand. Unfortunately right? I’m no savior but I have been betrayed and abandoned. I’m no judas but I have betrayed and abandoned.

I hate my coworker. I had hope that we would together build something amazing here. Instead we just tore each other down. Not intentionally. I believe completely the damage I received was unintentional and unintended. And I stood tonight before my community with shaky voice and realized I have lost my way. I can’t lead if I am lost. The question I have for myself is am I lost in that way that happens when we are deep in the finding? Or am I lost in that way that is about denying where I need to go?

Utah Philips knew alot.

August 22, 2010

The past really didn’t go anywhere. It’s in boulder right now. It was on the phone with me on Friday. It surprises me when I am talking to my lover. I am who I was as much as ever.

Anxious much?

April 21, 2010

My stomach is doing flip-flops; I constantly want to eat (mostly chocolate); I feel on the verge of tears. My partner leaves in about 48 hours for his second week of school. I really support him in this process — he has been doing so well at keeping himself on track and studying. I think having a degree will open doors for him that have been previously closed. (He has loads of upper level experience, but the lack of degree has always created some barriers.)

We’ve been doing way better — we are stronger, more connected, and better with one another than I think we have ever been.

And my stomach is still in knots. I’ve had thoughts about the woman he met last time, lady X. About the things she wrote, the ways in which she dismissed me and us.

I felt the heat of the water fill me up. I was smiling as I walked – spontaneous and full of joy. The beauty of having time in nature. The last time I went away to the woods alone, I was called back in rage. The last time I went to the woods to be alone with my heart, it cost my children their father. The last time I sought to center and find my heart, I was denied. Screaming rage and blame. She wanted to love me in ways she could not sustain. I believed in her and suffered the consequences.

I am new me. I wish I could write the heart of my yearning. I wish I could write out the story of us. I am here with the remnants of the past in my heart and in their home. I am walking the hallways of yesterday with the feet of today.

I called and we talked. I don’t want this to be how things stay.

I am dangerously close to having hope.

Epiphany #7.12

March 22, 2010

My friend says I “rolled over” for someone in a story I told him. He’s not wrong. It got me thinking about how I run my life, the constant inconsistency. Nothing stays the same — except that it all changes. I exercise like a fiend for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I eat really well for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I hold to nothing.

Maybe I am afraid to say anything is unchangeable. When I left my husband and the church, when I broke my vows to god and my husband, it broke something in me. I felt it snap. But I believed I had to do it. I was a lesbian and therefore could not make my marriage work. Only girls would do. I tried, anyway. I went to couples counselling. I tried to find a way to keep my vows and not break myself completely. I couldn’t do it and we ended.

I believed if I made it work with K. that would make it better. And I tried. I gave up so much of myself to keep that relationship. I was a little desperate not to fail. Again. But I did. Turns out desperation isn’t all that helpful at preserving a relationship.

So here I am, now. Trying to find my way in the dark again. And I feel like I am this well of sorrow that I can’t fucking deal with anymore. I don’t have any answers. I don’t believe in anything. I have moments of hope but mostly I don’t care about anything. I just want to crawl inside a small dark cave and never come out.

Happy Shabat

March 1, 2010

I went to my first Jewish ceremony ever yesterday. It was a Bat Mitvah, so there was dancing. I really liked the feel of it- like a big family. It was never quiet during the service – even when the rabbi spoke there was a low level murmuring that somehow felt like part of the service rather than a distraction. As I watched the group interact I started to wonder about the comfort they had with just being themselves. I asked my friend how you get kicked out. Turns out once you are Jewish, you are always Jewish. That is so beautiful it almost made me cry, right there. What would it be like to be part of a community that wouldn’t let you go- even if they disagree with you? I’ve been Mormon and lesbian – and been kicked out when I wasn’t ‘good enough’ anymore. And here is this thousands of years old tradition that says ‘Maybe you’ll be shunned. Maybe you’ll be confronted. But you’ll always be one of us.’

Magic.

February 26, 2010

I wonder if you can rediscover magic. I’d like to think so. Since I am having trouble enjoying food, I guess I should be a little patient. I don’t know why I went over the edge for such a small thing. Maybe because I have been clinging to the top of the ledge by my fingertips. Maybe because I just got so tired of trying. I believe in the possibilities. I just don’t know if I care about them anymore. I looked up depression the other day. Warning signs, etc. And I’d say I fit into the ‘depressive’ state descriptions. Of course, I don’t really care. Cause, you know, I am depressed.

Be here.

February 23, 2010

I don’t want to write the story of yesterday. Of what might have been. Of nostalgia. I don’t want to lose today in wishes. i want to embrace the things I loved without losing myself in them. Tips? Anyone?