March 27, 2010
I felt the heat of the water fill me up. I was smiling as I walked – spontaneous and full of joy. The beauty of having time in nature. The last time I went away to the woods alone, I was called back in rage. The last time I went to the woods to be alone with my heart, it cost my children their father. The last time I sought to center and find my heart, I was denied. Screaming rage and blame. She wanted to love me in ways she could not sustain. I believed in her and suffered the consequences.
I am new me. I wish I could write the heart of my yearning. I wish I could write out the story of us. I am here with the remnants of the past in my heart and in their home. I am walking the hallways of yesterday with the feet of today.
I called and we talked. I don’t want this to be how things stay.
I am dangerously close to having hope.
March 22, 2010
My friend says I “rolled over” for someone in a story I told him. He’s not wrong. It got me thinking about how I run my life, the constant inconsistency. Nothing stays the same — except that it all changes. I exercise like a fiend for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I eat really well for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I hold to nothing.
Maybe I am afraid to say anything is unchangeable. When I left my husband and the church, when I broke my vows to god and my husband, it broke something in me. I felt it snap. But I believed I had to do it. I was a lesbian and therefore could not make my marriage work. Only girls would do. I tried, anyway. I went to couples counselling. I tried to find a way to keep my vows and not break myself completely. I couldn’t do it and we ended.
I believed if I made it work with K. that would make it better. And I tried. I gave up so much of myself to keep that relationship. I was a little desperate not to fail. Again. But I did. Turns out desperation isn’t all that helpful at preserving a relationship.
So here I am, now. Trying to find my way in the dark again. And I feel like I am this well of sorrow that I can’t fucking deal with anymore. I don’t have any answers. I don’t believe in anything. I have moments of hope but mostly I don’t care about anything. I just want to crawl inside a small dark cave and never come out.
March 1, 2010
I went to my first Jewish ceremony ever yesterday. It was a Bat Mitvah, so there was dancing. I really liked the feel of it- like a big family. It was never quiet during the service – even when the rabbi spoke there was a low level murmuring that somehow felt like part of the service rather than a distraction. As I watched the group interact I started to wonder about the comfort they had with just being themselves. I asked my friend how you get kicked out. Turns out once you are Jewish, you are always Jewish. That is so beautiful it almost made me cry, right there. What would it be like to be part of a community that wouldn’t let you go- even if they disagree with you? I’ve been Mormon and lesbian – and been kicked out when I wasn’t ‘good enough’ anymore. And here is this thousands of years old tradition that says ‘Maybe you’ll be shunned. Maybe you’ll be confronted. But you’ll always be one of us.’