kitten and puppy cuddling

I find myself wondering that, more and more. I am supposed to start my masters program in the fall and I find myself very ambivalent. I love school. I love learninig. And I feel like it would suck too much of my time from my family. Time that is so precious as they get older and find more and more interests. I am so excited and happy for them. I used to be so afraid I would be like my mother and spend the rest of my life chasing my children– and driving them further and further away. Recently I realized that I get this time, right now. I get 18 years. That’s the longest relationship I have had with anyone, ever. And if that’s all I get, it’s enough. So instead of hoping for later to work out, I am spending now with them. And when it’s time for them to fly away, I will be able to let go.

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changeI realized last week that none of my friends in my life knew that growing up, my mom was my favorite person in the world. She was my confidante, my support, my co-conspirator in practical jokes and the eating of hot fudge sundae’s … I don’t know why things changed. Some of it was her need for me. It was overwhelming. When I left for college, she held on hard. She was actively against my marriage. (Although when she flew out for it and my fiancee and I told her we weren’t sure it was a good idea for us to go through with it, she was mad that we were considering cancelling it. I don’t get people.)

I think one of the reason’s it is so hard to be around her now is because I miss who we were together. I miss the fun we had, the jokes we shared. The Saturdays spent watching old westerns and laughing together. The traditions we had of family trips in the fall to see the leaves turn color. I miss early morning snuggles. I miss the silliness.

Some of my traditions are all about my mom. I put my holiday tree up the day after Thanksgiving, every year. It’s how we did it. My kids get to open one present the night before, just like I did.

I invited her to spend the holidays with us this year. We’ll see how it goes. I am trying. I still love her. I just need to accept that who she was is who she was. It’s not any less real because it’s no longer how things are.

That’s kind of hard.

Regret.

August 4, 2009

we accept the love we think we deserve I shocked my friend today when I said I regretted saving your life. The past 15 months, watching how your decision to abandon them has hurt in ways you will never understand, I have had to question who I am and the choices I made. I was so certain we could choose to give them the love and support they deserved, regardless of our decision to remain a couple. You always wanted to leave. If you couldn’t have your family your way, you didn’t want them. I thought it would be better for them if you were in their life and I made the necessary sacrifices to keep you there. You made sacrfices, too. None of that matters anymore.

I can’t predict the future. And I couldn’t predict it then. I did the best I could with what I had. I wish I had done better.