Epiphany #7.12

March 22, 2010

My friend says I “rolled over” for someone in a story I told him. He’s not wrong. It got me thinking about how I run my life, the constant inconsistency. Nothing stays the same — except that it all changes. I exercise like a fiend for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I eat really well for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I hold to nothing.

Maybe I am afraid to say anything is unchangeable. When I left my husband and the church, when I broke my vows to god and my husband, it broke something in me. I felt it snap. But I believed I had to do it. I was a lesbian and therefore could not make my marriage work. Only girls would do. I tried, anyway. I went to couples counselling. I tried to find a way to keep my vows and not break myself completely. I couldn’t do it and we ended.

I believed if I made it work with K. that would make it better. And I tried. I gave up so much of myself to keep that relationship. I was a little desperate not to fail. Again. But I did. Turns out desperation isn’t all that helpful at preserving a relationship.

So here I am, now. Trying to find my way in the dark again. And I feel like I am this well of sorrow that I can’t fucking deal with anymore. I don’t have any answers. I don’t believe in anything. I have moments of hope but mostly I don’t care about anything. I just want to crawl inside a small dark cave and never come out.

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2 Responses to “Epiphany #7.12”

  1. srg Says:

    The thing about relationships, though, is that you can’t fail or succeed on your own. Everybody is responsible for their own pieces of the relationship, and that’s both good and bad.

  2. souldiaries Says:

    Hang in there. The light always seems to come. You just have to hang in there.love your blog

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