March 22, 2010
My friend says I “rolled over” for someone in a story I told him. He’s not wrong. It got me thinking about how I run my life, the constant inconsistency. Nothing stays the same — except that it all changes. I exercise like a fiend for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I eat really well for a few months or a year. And then I stop. I hold to nothing.
Maybe I am afraid to say anything is unchangeable. When I left my husband and the church, when I broke my vows to god and my husband, it broke something in me. I felt it snap. But I believed I had to do it. I was a lesbian and therefore could not make my marriage work. Only girls would do. I tried, anyway. I went to couples counselling. I tried to find a way to keep my vows and not break myself completely. I couldn’t do it and we ended.
I believed if I made it work with K. that would make it better. And I tried. I gave up so much of myself to keep that relationship. I was a little desperate not to fail. Again. But I did. Turns out desperation isn’t all that helpful at preserving a relationship.
So here I am, now. Trying to find my way in the dark again. And I feel like I am this well of sorrow that I can’t fucking deal with anymore. I don’t have any answers. I don’t believe in anything. I have moments of hope but mostly I don’t care about anything. I just want to crawl inside a small dark cave and never come out.