April 22, 2011
Tofu in my stomach and betrayal on the brain. Told my girlfriend the story of Christ’s sacrifice for us last night over Indian food. And in the moment of describing the pain he felt in the garden of Gesthemane I almost wept into my sweet potato masala. Thinking about the humanity of someone who challenged the system and was then abandoned by everyone in the moment of his greatest need – even god- was overwhelming. It’s a story we all understand. Unfortunately right? I’m no savior but I have been betrayed and abandoned. I’m no judas but I have betrayed and abandoned.
I hate my coworker. I had hope that we would together build something amazing here. Instead we just tore each other down. Not intentionally. I believe completely the damage I received was unintentional and unintended. And I stood tonight before my community with shaky voice and realized I have lost my way. I can’t lead if I am lost. The question I have for myself is am I lost in that way that happens when we are deep in the finding? Or am I lost in that way that is about denying where I need to go?