November 22, 2009

I hope  it’s ended, this strange up and down of emotional intensity. I hope. I still don’t completely understand what happened off in Vermont. Why those choices were made. It does make me question most everything about what it means to be open and what I want.  I know what I don’t want. I never want to feel this way again.

Ever.

He takes on most of the responsibility and maybe that’s as it should be. All I know is that it hurt. And I don’t really care that she hurt too. Because I have no connection to her. I never did. And maybe that was a big part of the problem. I used to think I wanted something like this — something real and possible and connective. And now, the thought of something like this is unnappealing.

Do I want tribute? I don’t think so. I think, though, when you start things the way this started, that’s the dynamic you will end up with. Supplicant and ruler– one seeks permission to remain where thery find themselves, in the heart — in the head — in the life. The other weighs the possibilities and then grants or denies access. When they feel they have been properly acknowledged. K traded sex with T for a steak. At the time, it seemed appropriately pragmatic.

Not for me, though. It’s not what I signed on for. I feel so healed and better. And then I trip into these gaps inside myself that go much deeper than I would like.

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